In defense of us poor, unmarried, pitiful, souls...

 NOT!

“So when are you getting married???”…

  

Me:

Asking someone when they’re getting married, is as efficient as asking a cancer patient when he/she will be cured, or a couple struggling to conceive, when they’re going to have a baby. Or an old person, when they’re going to die. It just becomes rude. Just chill on this question! I would really like us a progressive people to start becoming aware of this. And I’m sure I’m not the only one (CAN I GET AN AMEN). It’s also actually quite a disappointing question! I have other things on my mind and in my heart too that are all simultaneously processing, engaging, informing and all happening right now (while you ask me that dumb-ass question) – other than the pursuit of a man. And not allowing me to express that because of a limited conversation repertoire of your expectancy of my life, is super disappointing. ATTENTION: There is more to being a young, female, human being!

I think people are very much unaware of how a question like that can make someone feel. You could have just come out of a terrible break-up, or just met someone that you feel hopeful about, or you may have just been disappointed by someone, or you may even be a freaking lesbian. I mean this is the journey of life – shit is real out here. By asking when a person is getting married, not only shows a very limited consideration for where the person is in life, how they really feel or what they are going through, but it can also be downright hurtful.I feel that some people just purposefully ask to be demeaning. As if you have lost at something. As if you are walking around with a big, gaping whole in your chest. Now, I definitely understand that some people ask out of love and concern, but I can only speak from my experience and as someone who gets asked this question A LOT, it mostly doesn't feel very loving. It makes me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. And obviously is not encompassing or understanding of me as an individual at all.

The thing that really gets to me though, is this idea that being past the age of 23ish, automatically means it’s time to get married. Since when are we cattle who all need to be led into the same barn? To me, being your own person on your own individual journey is such a fundamental and elementary truth of life that it really baffles me when people overlook it so easily. Sure, maybe this notion of being an “individual” who is “different”,  “unique” and “ free” may come from this modern, new age we live in, and definitely has its positive and negative attributes, but it is still my truth and my reality. And it’s important in defining me, as I'm sure it is to many people.

        

So, why am I not married?                                                                                                                                  

1)  I do not feel incomplete:

    Well, firstly and obviously I have not met my spiritual, rock star, super cool dude yet. Or whoever he may be! I’m open!  (But please let him be handsome, Universe! Not kidding.)

But, I’m sorry, this does not mean I am incomplete in any way. Nor are you. I firmly believe in creating yourself, that how you feel, what you believe and what your life is made of is completely in your own hands – you are in control of it. Thus, you can feel inadequate about not fitting into societal and cultural norms, or you can celebrate and appreciate being where you are in life. You can see abundance or you can see what’s lacking. You can feel alone or you can feel how loved you are.  Make yourself! (Incubus: Make Yourself: October 1999).

2) I am dreaming my own dreams:

Secondly, to add to the answer of my favorite question everrrr (sarcasm!), I would also need to explain that my personal belief system and hierarchy of goals are not typical. In saying that, marriage is not something I aspire to - it’s not on my list of dreams I want to make come true nor is it a goal I have set for myself to accomplish. I don’t think in that way. The way I think, is that I will get married based on the PERSON I want to marry and not on anything else. I don’t buy into this princess fairytale, where the prince saves the damsel in distress, because I've saved myself before and I know I will do it again and again. 

I was very perturbed when someone literally said to me, that, when I am married, I will be the happiest I have ever been. Now, of course I hope this is true and I am happy for those who experience this, but I also hope reaching my own, different goals and making my own, personal dreams come true (that have nothing to do with marriage) will also make me the happiest I've ever been. It has a pretty good track record so far, and something tells me that it probably always will.

3) I do not need to be fulfilled by another (right now or maybe ever):

Thirdly, guys, the real truth and the real gravity of this is that if you can’t be happy by yourself, don’t expect someone else to fulfill that need. There is such value in being alone!!!! It is so important! I really want to shout it out to all young women, from the moon!!! And I say this because I know its value!!! I have not experienced a greater gift than the independence and power I have given to myself, by getting to know myself, being honest with myself, deciding for myself, defining myself, thinking for myself, rescuing myself, believing in myself. All the while, with people telling me how I should be. I say F that. You will always grow in life no doubt, but being alone and “consciously uncoupled” (I think it’s a real thing!) - I don’t know if you will ever get such a potent opportunity or circumstance within which to discover yourself and your strength – a wisdom and gift that no one can give you and no one can take away from you.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything in life. I mean no disrespect at all to those who are married or those who aspire to be married. RESPECT! I know that shit’s not easy, I know you’re on your hustle and I know many of you are not only succeeding, but thriving at it. I don't know what it’s like to be married - I can only speak from my own lessons and experiences thus far. At the center of it all, we must realize that we are all on our own journeys and paths. And that is why I speak to those who are in the same place as me – believing in love, patient, open, not feeling the pressure, but also annoyed at the expectations that OTHERS have for YOUR life. Being married shouldn't be the happiest you've ever been when life and all its wonders are in front of you right now!  There’s so many more levels to this, so many more heights of progress, development, growth, change and positivity to reach. Buddhist monk swag. Screw this “He completes me” nonsense, for real – I am not about that life. Complete your damn self, please!

To conclude this semi-rant/semi-self help/semi-single guru vibe, not all of us women dream of a castle to dwell in and a Prince Charming to save us. Some of us are designed to be law breakers, travelers, culture definers, rebels, visionaries - whatever we want to be. This is not about the rejection of being loved – it’s about the rejection of institutionalized, controlled ideas of these beautiful things and the implementation of it in our lives.  It’s a testimony to an ambition that may never be small enough for some, but will never be big enough for me. I hope to get married based on the amazing human that I will get to spend life with but before that, during and after that person, the hopes and dreams I have for myself still are still alive and still compel me to chase them.

I read somewhere that the difference between fate and destiny is this: fate is life defined by conditions and fear, and destiny is a calling and is something you create. I hope that you and I have the courage to live by destiny…that we will find love, share love, be love and get married for reasons we choose and at a time we choose. Especially because life is still going to go on whether we are married or not.

I’m a 26 year old, unmarried female who loves and is grateful for her life. Can you handle that? Single, married or divorced - you're the boss of you so just be happy and free and live your life honestly, OK? Deal? You are still a force on your own!!!

Peace and love,

Nx

Also, this made me LOL:

Social networks are ruining my life

I swear -  I’m on social networks like all day, every day, to the point of obsession where I am always touching my phone every few minutes, never missing any post from anyone, even catching up to posts I last saw AND I FREAKING HATE IT. 

Why am I like this? Are you this way too? Always in the know, never disconnected. It’s obsessive, wasteful and it’s exhausting. I guess there is a sense of ego involved - knowing things before everyone else, seeing breaking news as it happens, consuming the newest of new information all at your fingertips, always updated. Then there's also that feeling of pseudo-connection where you feel like one less lonely person by distracting yourself with all these social networks to help you forget that you don't have a cute boy to text… (kidding! kind of). I don’t know how healthy this is (probably not at all), but I think that it’s a major underlying reason why we use social networks as active, feeling,  human beings. That feeling of being a-part-of, of being connected. Only, the irony is that this is not actual human connection. It’s a bubble of mind-trickery and instant gratification. I want friend requests, likes, retweets and DMs in real life, dammit!  

Oh, this sweet, modern world we live in!

Using social networks is a major love/hate relationship for me but without it I don't know what I'd do with myself! They are my little friends throughout the day, my company, my escape. This, however, doesn’t stop me from complaining about them, just like I do about my real friends! 

Facebook :

The Original. I like Facebook because you get a lot of different kinds of information on it – people’s private life stuff/constructions, pictures, videos, articles, links, game scores. Yaaaay-ish!

But, Facebook to me is like going to a Joburg fete. It’s the place you go when there are absolutely no other fun things happening in the city and where you going to bump in to  a lot of annoying teenagers, old classmates, aunties/uncles and randoms - just people who don't interest you and whose lives you don't want necessarily want to know about. Nor do you want them to know too much about yours.

Facebook to me these days is so random and so communal - it’s the last place I go to post anything because I just feel that’s it’s a very public and open space to share things with people that are not necessarily my closest friends.  I mean I use social networks but I also don't want people I never see or hang out with all up in my bizznizz. Having said that, I feel more in control over the people I share things with on other social networks, mostly because those are newer and have a more updated version of people that are in my life. Also, I’m too lazy to go and remove every acquaintance on my long list of Facebook friends when I have other alternatives to use, you know? Facebook a place for the spreading of mass information like, “Oh hey, I’m moving to another country”, rather than day-to-day events “Yo! I saw this pretty sunset I saw today!”

Also, I must just say that in my experience the people who use Facebook as their primary social network are not usually the most cutting edge or interesting people, with the most fascinating or thought-provoking stuff to say/share, thus dulling my experience even more. Shame Facebook, I BEEN over you.

Twitter:

I like to refer to Twitter as the big black hole on the Internet where inspired, great thoughts and ideas go to die. Well, for me anyway.  This is because when I have a thought that I actually like or deem valuable or super cool, I usually tweet it For example: my dream job of being a puppy photographer/Disney songwriter. I almost forgot they were my dreams after tweeting them!!! Tweeting quickly puts one’s thoughts out there and leaves one satisfied. In so doing, your thought seem to be shared, expressed, done. What this does however, is it prevents me from developing and reflecting on the idea, thought or opinion – it just ends up being tweeted and left at that. So for example, if I have an idea for a song or poem and think up a really cool line for it, I tweet that line. But, I never actually get down to writing it somewhere, thinking about it more or developing it even further by writing more lines and completing the idea. Or if I’m feeling frustrated by something, I can quickly just bitch about it in 140 characters or less and feel better, instead of really considering the situation and how I could learn from it or what I could take from it, instead of resorting to the quick fix of complaining about it.

 The idea of instant gratification here is a biggie. Twitter gives me both the comfort and illusion of being heard, even though all I’ve done is wasted a thought on a few hundred people, most of whom are probably not even active on Twitter.  It’s just a guise of expression. See, I told you it’s a deep dark Internet hole! Eventually the idea or thought is forgotten and the potential for its development also dies. 

I have obviously come to realize that Twitter is the wrong platform for these inspired brain farts and opinions on life. But it is a lovely, sticky web for the laziness of thinking and dealing with life, and also for the fear of writing. Two problems I have literally just discovered I have! Haha!  And meh.

Instagram:

Let me not even try to deny it - I love Instagram. It is the most stimulating social network to me. Statuses and information aka hashtags/description and pictures, both of which usually tend to be of a higher quality - literally and figuratively. It’s the best of both worlds.  It’s streamlined, with a focus of higher quality content than any other social networks and I think it’s pushing us in a strong direction in terms of technology, dissemination of information, our individual use of creativity and overall higher standards on the internet. I like it. 

As an individual user however, it’s a freakin stressful situation for me. I never know which of my 250 images I capture of 2 hours of my day I should actually Instagram. I’m always confused about which of those pictures are the best, which most authentically expresses what I want to show people (I always want to keep it real, no lies or fake representations) which do I look the best in (haaa! I know you do it too), how many pictures are too many of the same event, the time frame of posting… (side note : I once had a friend tell me she unfollowed me because #latergrammed too much. Really though?? I enjoy basking in certain moments because sometimes life is THAT good and THAT sacred). Don’t even get me started on choosing a filter! As an active user, I do want to share cool pictures that are of a good quality which will be appreciated by the above-average Instagram user (Yoh, I think I’m fancy huh!). Ensuring this happens though, is clearly a headache in my life. 

In addition, I do find myself doing a lot of eye rolling at the unavoidable culture of self-promotion and ego boosting that I come across on Instagram from including and notwithstanding the repertoire of too many selfies, too much showing off, too many hot bods, constructions vs reality, virtual realities, bling bling, etc etc. Instagram makes all this pretty normal and acceptable, even though I think we can do better as young humans. I do enjoy high-fashion posts, #ootd, Beyonce’s feed (also #bringbadgalririback!), design ideas, behind the scenes of lives and what’s happening in everyday lives, pretty, faraway places, pics of jewelry, wedding dresses and tattoos and of course the real reason I even got Instagram – pictures of baby animals!!!! So, I guess it’s not all bad.  Also, have you ever seen a picture baby hippo?? Just do it.

It’s a complicated and modern world we live in. When there wasn’t Instagram, there were polaroids. When there was no Facebook, there were letters and phone calls. When there was no Twitter, there were more public outbursts, I’m sure. These forms way of communication and expressions have always existed in some shape or form (So, stop blaming the demise of moral society on Facebook, old people). I guess it’s how we navigate through it all that makes the difference. I could never understand people who never ever had Facebook or don’t use any social networks, and I probably still don’t, but I do envy the peace that they have every day. Me, personally, I am going to try and focus on being more present and patient in all moments and maybe chatting up a stranger in the parking lot, or writing with a pen and paper more. Hey, maybe I’ll even scream at the top of my lungs with delight or annoyance in the grocery store. But first, I gotta update all my statuses with this blog post. The blasted irony.

Let me know how you feel about this too!

Peace!

Nafeesa x

P.S Just thought of posting blog posts to people. Like actually in the post. It can be the new blogging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No? Ok bye.

Allow me to reintroduce myself….

(My name is Hov', OH, H-to-the-O-V
I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z)

If this just rang through your head right now…......................Nice!!!

On the real though, this blog has been dead. Dead dead dead. The reasons for this are wild and vast. I mean we started this blog as unemployed graduates with a lot of time to indulge in our obscure, alternative thoughts and hang out on coffee shops fantasizing about life. Oh wait, we still subscribe to the latter, but now we have less time to mess around and pursue what we really want to. Ah the corporate life! Aslam, co-blogger and homie, in a bold move (great for him, but horrible for me), moved to Sharjah to teach English for almost a year now and is probably going to keep going on world adventures. I, on the other hand, have missed my friend A LOT, but I’ve also somehow become a workaholic type and this has pretty much killed my creative drive. NOT ON. NEED THAT.

This blog was started by us as outlet the share our thoughts, critiques, tastes and ideas on everything that we love and are inspired by. These are not always common or mainstream, but they are real and affect us in a real way. I must say though that, for me, it is very frustrating having all these ideas about the world I live in and not always being able to share it with people who relate and who essentially ‘feel’ me. This is one of the reasons I wanted to be part of a blog - a space that is mine, where I can share the things in my mind with more people than in real life. We’re not up in this blog game to get more followers, or be invited to the cool parties, or to win any popularity contests. No. The Rebel and The Urban Edge represents a place for us to share our honest, sometimes outlandish contemplations, and to share what keeps inspired, interested, bothered. It’s a space for authentic, original and fearless thought that will maybe inspire, maybe present new perspectives, maybe just be fun, hopefully all of these! Or none. Deuces!

I’m so grateful for this space! I literally dream of things to write. I am constantly jotting down and I am so driven by this blog! I’ve sat down a million times to write, but honestly it hasn’t just been time constrained. Things like being uninspired, distracted and fearful all got in my way. But ain’t nobody got time for that! So we're back in the game. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to visit this blog and read our stuff. It makes my heart happy! Plus, today I saw that had over 10 000 views. Good Lawwd! OK fine, 5000 of those views were probably me, but still! Me and Aslam are on it now! Please come back for more!

In our attempt to re-invigorate the blog, we have a shiny new banner! These pics were taken in December of last year, when I hung with Aslam-guy in his new hometown. We work up early, hustled from taxi to taxi to metro in search for a true gem in the heart of plastic Dubai – a place called The Archive in Safa Park. The Archive is essentially a coffee shop in a park attached to an even cooler modern library that boasts the most impressive collection of Islamic and Middle Eastern arts and culture books that I’ve ever seen or probably ever will see. I read so many different, amazing things – a photo diary documenting Hajj in 1939/1940 (my fave), a book on all of Azzedine Alaïa's work in the 21^st century, a book explaining the history and types of Graffiti work and their meanings in Palestine, an entire collection of poetry from Khalil Gibrain, a book documenting and explaining every single high rise building built in Dubai up to a few years ago, Zaha Hadid’s entire architecture portfolio, history books of the Arab dynasty, books on Arabic calligraphy, art work of Al Ghazali philosophy, just to name a few. Needless to say, we were joyfully lost in those books for hours. Literally. For breakfast, brunch, lunch and afternoon tea. We indulged and we found our happy place. Oh! How can I forget! We also got to see a mural that graf artist El Seed, who we love, did just a few days before at The Archive. It was a great day indeed.

So welcome back again and see you soon?

Peace and love,

Nafeesa

Corporates really suck

I came across an article listing the year's best employees and lo and behold, a company that I had just resigned from was featured near the top. I didn't resign because I saw a brilliant opportunity somewhere else but because I genuine believe that my work was making the world a worse place and being in a position where I did not have overriding financial obligations my moral obligation made it necessary for me to leave. This may have been a mistake and I may have to rejoin the corporate machine at some point and writing this piece may severely hinder my chances of being able to get a job back there but I thought it good to share my thoughts on what corporate jobs are all about.

Note that I was in one of the better ones.

1. Work sucks I know - moving from university to work one of the major complaints I've heard from several peers and experienced first hand is that your self-worth drops significantly. Decisions you were free to make are no longer yours (waking hours, skipping lectures hours, dress code) and more significantly your time is no longer yours. You can no longer spend a week reading into a new topic because being a grown up means doing grown up things. Working from 8 to 5, coming home exhausted, looking forward to an hour of television (gym if you're enthusiastic) and some supper table conversation before you get to bed in order to wake up earlier than you'd want to for yet another day. Trying to socialise or seek stimulation outside of work during the week will mean low energy and performance levels at work the next day getting you the looks you don't want from your superiors and colleagues (social manipulation). Weekend's are always too short and there's usually something from work you thought you'd be able to finish up over the weekend that ends up taking longer than you thought and further dampening the little bit of fun/stimulation the weekend was supposed to provide. This insight is not new at all. Everyone's experienced it, everyone complains about it.

2. The insignificance of it all. If you end up at a large multi-national corporate (the one's we're supposed to want to work for because they offer the best salaries, packages, travel opportunities) the decisions in your office aren't yours to make. Even the top boss in your office isn't making many real decisions. His (usually a he) job is merely to execute whatever plan has been developed on the other side of the world by analysts who've looked at the models and past case studies and reasoned that this course of action will be best. Their work would seem equally meaningless as they never see any of their plans being executed, just reams of paper passed on for approval and a performance evaluation congratulating them on the paper used. You become a tiny cog in a big, big machine. Sometimes your efficient spinning makes a little bit of a difference - when you just start out, whether you spin or not is pretty inconsequential...they make sure of that, too much risk attached. The multi-nationals got so big for a reason. They don't let mess-ups happen. Everything is well-reasoned by those with experience. Your job is to execute, not to think, just execute. If you have some insight feel free to pass it up along the chain until it reaches someone (usually your immediate supervisor) who will tell you (nicely) that they had the exact same idea when they started but it won;t work because of x,y and z.

3. The work is genuinely evil. This is the crux of it. We know that their is inequality in the world. We know that inequality is increasing. Inequality and not poverty is the root cause of unhappiness, and crime so it affects those on both sides of the divide. We also all aspire to get corporate jobs - jobs that deepen inequality. The big picture became clear to me when I was selling a new washing powder in an informal settlement out of a Shoprite store to whom I can only affectionately call a Mama. The new washing powder brings competition into the previously monopolized industry, great because it means lower prices but this is the smallest band-aid over the largest bullet hole of what is going on. The band-aid does more damage than good because everyone applying it doesn't look past it at the bigger picture and only focuses on the "good" they're doing. The Mama's money will go to the corporate. Seems fair enough but there's a book well worth reading called 23 Things They Don;t Tell You About Capitalism and one of the things is the decision making within corporates.

The corporations profits are reinvested or given to shareholders, seems fair because they each own a share of the company but if we look at who your typical shareholder is it's quickly apparent how inequality is being deepened on a daily level and how we contribute to it every time we make a purchase and especially when we get jobs making corporations more efficient and making profits. Shareholders are people with money. The Mama's money is not going back into her community to improve her life, the life of her family and friends, it is going to middle and upper-class shareholders who sit very far away and use that money to improve their lives. What did the shareholders do for their lives to deserve being bettered over that of the Mama's? Basically they had more money first - legacies of colonialism, years of racism, slave-trade, it all fits in.

So when you get offered a job at one of the year's best employees it's best to check the criteria of best-ness. Best for me because I am trained to narrowly perceive my life in terms of how much money I make to buy nice cars, homes and clothes, go on nice holidays and impress potential in-laws; best for the Mama who I will work hard to more efficiently take as much money from her as possible (nicely termed as up-selling or increasing the basket size of her purchase); best for the corporates who get the best of university students to work for them to improve how much profit they can take from the poor and give to the rich; best for my soul to be accountable before God of all my life's actions?