In defense of us poor, unmarried, pitiful, souls...

 NOT!

“So when are you getting married???”…

  

Me:

Asking someone when they’re getting married, is as efficient as asking a cancer patient when he/she will be cured, or a couple struggling to conceive, when they’re going to have a baby. Or an old person, when they’re going to die. It just becomes rude. Just chill on this question! I would really like us a progressive people to start becoming aware of this. And I’m sure I’m not the only one (CAN I GET AN AMEN). It’s also actually quite a disappointing question! I have other things on my mind and in my heart too that are all simultaneously processing, engaging, informing and all happening right now (while you ask me that dumb-ass question) – other than the pursuit of a man. And not allowing me to express that because of a limited conversation repertoire of your expectancy of my life, is super disappointing. ATTENTION: There is more to being a young, female, human being!

I think people are very much unaware of how a question like that can make someone feel. You could have just come out of a terrible break-up, or just met someone that you feel hopeful about, or you may have just been disappointed by someone, or you may even be a freaking lesbian. I mean this is the journey of life – shit is real out here. By asking when a person is getting married, not only shows a very limited consideration for where the person is in life, how they really feel or what they are going through, but it can also be downright hurtful.I feel that some people just purposefully ask to be demeaning. As if you have lost at something. As if you are walking around with a big, gaping whole in your chest. Now, I definitely understand that some people ask out of love and concern, but I can only speak from my experience and as someone who gets asked this question A LOT, it mostly doesn't feel very loving. It makes me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. And obviously is not encompassing or understanding of me as an individual at all.

The thing that really gets to me though, is this idea that being past the age of 23ish, automatically means it’s time to get married. Since when are we cattle who all need to be led into the same barn? To me, being your own person on your own individual journey is such a fundamental and elementary truth of life that it really baffles me when people overlook it so easily. Sure, maybe this notion of being an “individual” who is “different”,  “unique” and “ free” may come from this modern, new age we live in, and definitely has its positive and negative attributes, but it is still my truth and my reality. And it’s important in defining me, as I'm sure it is to many people.

        

So, why am I not married?                                                                                                                                  

1)  I do not feel incomplete:

    Well, firstly and obviously I have not met my spiritual, rock star, super cool dude yet. Or whoever he may be! I’m open!  (But please let him be handsome, Universe! Not kidding.)

But, I’m sorry, this does not mean I am incomplete in any way. Nor are you. I firmly believe in creating yourself, that how you feel, what you believe and what your life is made of is completely in your own hands – you are in control of it. Thus, you can feel inadequate about not fitting into societal and cultural norms, or you can celebrate and appreciate being where you are in life. You can see abundance or you can see what’s lacking. You can feel alone or you can feel how loved you are.  Make yourself! (Incubus: Make Yourself: October 1999).

2) I am dreaming my own dreams:

Secondly, to add to the answer of my favorite question everrrr (sarcasm!), I would also need to explain that my personal belief system and hierarchy of goals are not typical. In saying that, marriage is not something I aspire to - it’s not on my list of dreams I want to make come true nor is it a goal I have set for myself to accomplish. I don’t think in that way. The way I think, is that I will get married based on the PERSON I want to marry and not on anything else. I don’t buy into this princess fairytale, where the prince saves the damsel in distress, because I've saved myself before and I know I will do it again and again. 

I was very perturbed when someone literally said to me, that, when I am married, I will be the happiest I have ever been. Now, of course I hope this is true and I am happy for those who experience this, but I also hope reaching my own, different goals and making my own, personal dreams come true (that have nothing to do with marriage) will also make me the happiest I've ever been. It has a pretty good track record so far, and something tells me that it probably always will.

3) I do not need to be fulfilled by another (right now or maybe ever):

Thirdly, guys, the real truth and the real gravity of this is that if you can’t be happy by yourself, don’t expect someone else to fulfill that need. There is such value in being alone!!!! It is so important! I really want to shout it out to all young women, from the moon!!! And I say this because I know its value!!! I have not experienced a greater gift than the independence and power I have given to myself, by getting to know myself, being honest with myself, deciding for myself, defining myself, thinking for myself, rescuing myself, believing in myself. All the while, with people telling me how I should be. I say F that. You will always grow in life no doubt, but being alone and “consciously uncoupled” (I think it’s a real thing!) - I don’t know if you will ever get such a potent opportunity or circumstance within which to discover yourself and your strength – a wisdom and gift that no one can give you and no one can take away from you.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything in life. I mean no disrespect at all to those who are married or those who aspire to be married. RESPECT! I know that shit’s not easy, I know you’re on your hustle and I know many of you are not only succeeding, but thriving at it. I don't know what it’s like to be married - I can only speak from my own lessons and experiences thus far. At the center of it all, we must realize that we are all on our own journeys and paths. And that is why I speak to those who are in the same place as me – believing in love, patient, open, not feeling the pressure, but also annoyed at the expectations that OTHERS have for YOUR life. Being married shouldn't be the happiest you've ever been when life and all its wonders are in front of you right now!  There’s so many more levels to this, so many more heights of progress, development, growth, change and positivity to reach. Buddhist monk swag. Screw this “He completes me” nonsense, for real – I am not about that life. Complete your damn self, please!

To conclude this semi-rant/semi-self help/semi-single guru vibe, not all of us women dream of a castle to dwell in and a Prince Charming to save us. Some of us are designed to be law breakers, travelers, culture definers, rebels, visionaries - whatever we want to be. This is not about the rejection of being loved – it’s about the rejection of institutionalized, controlled ideas of these beautiful things and the implementation of it in our lives.  It’s a testimony to an ambition that may never be small enough for some, but will never be big enough for me. I hope to get married based on the amazing human that I will get to spend life with but before that, during and after that person, the hopes and dreams I have for myself still are still alive and still compel me to chase them.

I read somewhere that the difference between fate and destiny is this: fate is life defined by conditions and fear, and destiny is a calling and is something you create. I hope that you and I have the courage to live by destiny…that we will find love, share love, be love and get married for reasons we choose and at a time we choose. Especially because life is still going to go on whether we are married or not.

I’m a 26 year old, unmarried female who loves and is grateful for her life. Can you handle that? Single, married or divorced - you're the boss of you so just be happy and free and live your life honestly, OK? Deal? You are still a force on your own!!!

Peace and love,

Nx

Also, this made me LOL:

If I ever wrote a self-help book...

It would contain many expletives. I keeps it real. Here is the potential cover and title as well as a breakdown of chapters:

Please note: F=Fuck

(Sorry)

 

Chapter 1: F everyone.

This chapter is about designing ones psyche to be able to easily tell people to F off. F people and do whatever the F you want to do with your life and time because that shit is damn precious and can't afford to be wasted. Be free, happy and filled with joy and do whatever the F you need to do to feel that way. F a hater. Haters gonna hate. Don't let people's own personal limitations about life become your beliefs about your life. Do whatever you want to do to be happy. (Don’t kill anyone though. And try not to hurt people either.)

Chapter 2: Drop bullshit like it’s hot

Here, we delve into the mind in order to understand how not to stand for bullshit. Don’t stand for muthaf-in bullshit ever. If something does not sit right with you, if something is causing you unhappiness and you can’t find a resolution (like when someone irritates or annoys you badly, or if someone is constantly judgemental and small minded in their attitude), drop that muthaf-in shit like it’s hot. This is how you actively endeavour to not stand for bullshit. You can only ever control your own self - and trying to control people or impose your will on them is just a pointless and wasteful effort. Get away from people and situatations that perpetuate what you consider to be bullshit and do something else with your time. Like spending time with people or in situations who that the opposite of bullshit and that inspire and uplift. Your peace and state of mind is more important than any bullshit person or situation. Just saying.

Chapter 3: Be one selective ass bitch!

In this chapter, we shall seek to let the light into our lives by learning to be selective as shit. This means always choose the F-ing utmost best for yourself in all circumstances, especially in terms of who you hang out with and who you share your time with. Be in full and conscious control of YOUR life and your actions, and where you go and where you don’t go. Make the best decisions for yourself depending on your needs and also depending on the kind of person you dream about becoming (I’m hoping you want to be a good and extraordinary person. If not, its cool too). Sometimes you gotta be like “Yo, F other people, I need to put myself first.” This is not necessarily a selfish thing to do but rather it is an act of self-love and self-respect - if you do it right. You don’t have to be miserable or forced to do/be what you don’t want. Roll alone rather than roll with a-holes or energy suckers or self-obsessed people or anyone negative.

Chapter 4: Inspiration is the shit dreams are made of

This chapter will teach you to guide yourself not to do things unless they excite you thoroughly and fill you with joy. Basically, don’t waste your time. Don’t move unless you are inspired to. Inspiration is something godsend and is my favourite feeling in the word. It’s a powerful force that fills you with joy, empowerment, bliss and hope. You have to act on what inspires you, what touches you, what moves you. You have to take it as a message from above that you are on the right path. Being inspired by something is a gift and it feels sublime as F and because of this, it is so important to respect it. So be inspired, be free to love what also wants you to love it. Make plans if you are inspired enough and believe that that shit will come true. Because it just F-ing might. If one dope thing is possible, then every dope thing is possible. Be open to inspiration and believe in your damn self. Hard.

Chapter 5: Shine bright, bitch

This means do you. That means be yourself. In exploring this concept deeper, it actually means F your mediocre ass, scared self, and rather be the best best best version of yourself (This may be an Oprah phrase, although sincerely coming from me). Shining bright should be your norm. Thus, you need to strongly commit (despite fear) to doing things that are a little crazy and that you only dream of when you are alone and safe in your bedroom. Things that will help you grow into who you ideally want to be and things that will challenge you to be more than who you are. You really really really need to work on your hustle to become who you need to be in order to live your dreams. And you best believe that fulfilled dreams and amazing things don’t come to scared, mediocre, doubtful people who hide in the shadows of what they desire. Prioritise being wise, free, whole, enough, harmonious, strong, positive and believing (and the like) over all else. Shine bright, bitch. You can.

(Beyonce's poem to Frank Ocean on his bi-sexuality)

Chapter 6: Give thanks F-ed up.

Probably the most important chapter – training yourself to always give thanks. You just have to be grateful if you want to be baller in life. You have to be grateful especially because sometimes you are lacking in the things you want, but if you look closer and from another perspective, there are probably countless times when you actually have the things you want, but you’re too busy being ungrateful to notice. Being a spoilt brat....never that. You are looked after a power bigger than you, who loves you, who wants the best for you, who knows you and who hears you. Gratitude is the shit because it brings you more. Appreciate all the good and bad that’s in your life because it is put their on purpose by the hand of ultimate divine power. Which means it’s pretty much perfect as it is. Don’t get sucked in by a bad situation and have that ruin all the amazing things you have in your life. You are an abundant mutha-f-er and this is undeniable. So stop complaining and rather stop and realise what you have to be grateful for. Everyone definitely has something.  

Looking for a publisher. HOLLERRRRRR! :)

Nx