In defense of us poor, unmarried, pitiful, souls...

 NOT!

“So when are you getting married???”…

  

Me:

Asking someone when they’re getting married, is as efficient as asking a cancer patient when he/she will be cured, or a couple struggling to conceive, when they’re going to have a baby. Or an old person, when they’re going to die. It just becomes rude. Just chill on this question! I would really like us a progressive people to start becoming aware of this. And I’m sure I’m not the only one (CAN I GET AN AMEN). It’s also actually quite a disappointing question! I have other things on my mind and in my heart too that are all simultaneously processing, engaging, informing and all happening right now (while you ask me that dumb-ass question) – other than the pursuit of a man. And not allowing me to express that because of a limited conversation repertoire of your expectancy of my life, is super disappointing. ATTENTION: There is more to being a young, female, human being!

I think people are very much unaware of how a question like that can make someone feel. You could have just come out of a terrible break-up, or just met someone that you feel hopeful about, or you may have just been disappointed by someone, or you may even be a freaking lesbian. I mean this is the journey of life – shit is real out here. By asking when a person is getting married, not only shows a very limited consideration for where the person is in life, how they really feel or what they are going through, but it can also be downright hurtful.I feel that some people just purposefully ask to be demeaning. As if you have lost at something. As if you are walking around with a big, gaping whole in your chest. Now, I definitely understand that some people ask out of love and concern, but I can only speak from my experience and as someone who gets asked this question A LOT, it mostly doesn't feel very loving. It makes me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. And obviously is not encompassing or understanding of me as an individual at all.

The thing that really gets to me though, is this idea that being past the age of 23ish, automatically means it’s time to get married. Since when are we cattle who all need to be led into the same barn? To me, being your own person on your own individual journey is such a fundamental and elementary truth of life that it really baffles me when people overlook it so easily. Sure, maybe this notion of being an “individual” who is “different”,  “unique” and “ free” may come from this modern, new age we live in, and definitely has its positive and negative attributes, but it is still my truth and my reality. And it’s important in defining me, as I'm sure it is to many people.

        

So, why am I not married?                                                                                                                                  

1)  I do not feel incomplete:

    Well, firstly and obviously I have not met my spiritual, rock star, super cool dude yet. Or whoever he may be! I’m open!  (But please let him be handsome, Universe! Not kidding.)

But, I’m sorry, this does not mean I am incomplete in any way. Nor are you. I firmly believe in creating yourself, that how you feel, what you believe and what your life is made of is completely in your own hands – you are in control of it. Thus, you can feel inadequate about not fitting into societal and cultural norms, or you can celebrate and appreciate being where you are in life. You can see abundance or you can see what’s lacking. You can feel alone or you can feel how loved you are.  Make yourself! (Incubus: Make Yourself: October 1999).

2) I am dreaming my own dreams:

Secondly, to add to the answer of my favorite question everrrr (sarcasm!), I would also need to explain that my personal belief system and hierarchy of goals are not typical. In saying that, marriage is not something I aspire to - it’s not on my list of dreams I want to make come true nor is it a goal I have set for myself to accomplish. I don’t think in that way. The way I think, is that I will get married based on the PERSON I want to marry and not on anything else. I don’t buy into this princess fairytale, where the prince saves the damsel in distress, because I've saved myself before and I know I will do it again and again. 

I was very perturbed when someone literally said to me, that, when I am married, I will be the happiest I have ever been. Now, of course I hope this is true and I am happy for those who experience this, but I also hope reaching my own, different goals and making my own, personal dreams come true (that have nothing to do with marriage) will also make me the happiest I've ever been. It has a pretty good track record so far, and something tells me that it probably always will.

3) I do not need to be fulfilled by another (right now or maybe ever):

Thirdly, guys, the real truth and the real gravity of this is that if you can’t be happy by yourself, don’t expect someone else to fulfill that need. There is such value in being alone!!!! It is so important! I really want to shout it out to all young women, from the moon!!! And I say this because I know its value!!! I have not experienced a greater gift than the independence and power I have given to myself, by getting to know myself, being honest with myself, deciding for myself, defining myself, thinking for myself, rescuing myself, believing in myself. All the while, with people telling me how I should be. I say F that. You will always grow in life no doubt, but being alone and “consciously uncoupled” (I think it’s a real thing!) - I don’t know if you will ever get such a potent opportunity or circumstance within which to discover yourself and your strength – a wisdom and gift that no one can give you and no one can take away from you.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything in life. I mean no disrespect at all to those who are married or those who aspire to be married. RESPECT! I know that shit’s not easy, I know you’re on your hustle and I know many of you are not only succeeding, but thriving at it. I don't know what it’s like to be married - I can only speak from my own lessons and experiences thus far. At the center of it all, we must realize that we are all on our own journeys and paths. And that is why I speak to those who are in the same place as me – believing in love, patient, open, not feeling the pressure, but also annoyed at the expectations that OTHERS have for YOUR life. Being married shouldn't be the happiest you've ever been when life and all its wonders are in front of you right now!  There’s so many more levels to this, so many more heights of progress, development, growth, change and positivity to reach. Buddhist monk swag. Screw this “He completes me” nonsense, for real – I am not about that life. Complete your damn self, please!

To conclude this semi-rant/semi-self help/semi-single guru vibe, not all of us women dream of a castle to dwell in and a Prince Charming to save us. Some of us are designed to be law breakers, travelers, culture definers, rebels, visionaries - whatever we want to be. This is not about the rejection of being loved – it’s about the rejection of institutionalized, controlled ideas of these beautiful things and the implementation of it in our lives.  It’s a testimony to an ambition that may never be small enough for some, but will never be big enough for me. I hope to get married based on the amazing human that I will get to spend life with but before that, during and after that person, the hopes and dreams I have for myself still are still alive and still compel me to chase them.

I read somewhere that the difference between fate and destiny is this: fate is life defined by conditions and fear, and destiny is a calling and is something you create. I hope that you and I have the courage to live by destiny…that we will find love, share love, be love and get married for reasons we choose and at a time we choose. Especially because life is still going to go on whether we are married or not.

I’m a 26 year old, unmarried female who loves and is grateful for her life. Can you handle that? Single, married or divorced - you're the boss of you so just be happy and free and live your life honestly, OK? Deal? You are still a force on your own!!!

Peace and love,

Nx

Also, this made me LOL:

Corporates really suck

I came across an article listing the year's best employees and lo and behold, a company that I had just resigned from was featured near the top. I didn't resign because I saw a brilliant opportunity somewhere else but because I genuine believe that my work was making the world a worse place and being in a position where I did not have overriding financial obligations my moral obligation made it necessary for me to leave. This may have been a mistake and I may have to rejoin the corporate machine at some point and writing this piece may severely hinder my chances of being able to get a job back there but I thought it good to share my thoughts on what corporate jobs are all about.

Note that I was in one of the better ones.

1. Work sucks I know - moving from university to work one of the major complaints I've heard from several peers and experienced first hand is that your self-worth drops significantly. Decisions you were free to make are no longer yours (waking hours, skipping lectures hours, dress code) and more significantly your time is no longer yours. You can no longer spend a week reading into a new topic because being a grown up means doing grown up things. Working from 8 to 5, coming home exhausted, looking forward to an hour of television (gym if you're enthusiastic) and some supper table conversation before you get to bed in order to wake up earlier than you'd want to for yet another day. Trying to socialise or seek stimulation outside of work during the week will mean low energy and performance levels at work the next day getting you the looks you don't want from your superiors and colleagues (social manipulation). Weekend's are always too short and there's usually something from work you thought you'd be able to finish up over the weekend that ends up taking longer than you thought and further dampening the little bit of fun/stimulation the weekend was supposed to provide. This insight is not new at all. Everyone's experienced it, everyone complains about it.

2. The insignificance of it all. If you end up at a large multi-national corporate (the one's we're supposed to want to work for because they offer the best salaries, packages, travel opportunities) the decisions in your office aren't yours to make. Even the top boss in your office isn't making many real decisions. His (usually a he) job is merely to execute whatever plan has been developed on the other side of the world by analysts who've looked at the models and past case studies and reasoned that this course of action will be best. Their work would seem equally meaningless as they never see any of their plans being executed, just reams of paper passed on for approval and a performance evaluation congratulating them on the paper used. You become a tiny cog in a big, big machine. Sometimes your efficient spinning makes a little bit of a difference - when you just start out, whether you spin or not is pretty inconsequential...they make sure of that, too much risk attached. The multi-nationals got so big for a reason. They don't let mess-ups happen. Everything is well-reasoned by those with experience. Your job is to execute, not to think, just execute. If you have some insight feel free to pass it up along the chain until it reaches someone (usually your immediate supervisor) who will tell you (nicely) that they had the exact same idea when they started but it won;t work because of x,y and z.

3. The work is genuinely evil. This is the crux of it. We know that their is inequality in the world. We know that inequality is increasing. Inequality and not poverty is the root cause of unhappiness, and crime so it affects those on both sides of the divide. We also all aspire to get corporate jobs - jobs that deepen inequality. The big picture became clear to me when I was selling a new washing powder in an informal settlement out of a Shoprite store to whom I can only affectionately call a Mama. The new washing powder brings competition into the previously monopolized industry, great because it means lower prices but this is the smallest band-aid over the largest bullet hole of what is going on. The band-aid does more damage than good because everyone applying it doesn't look past it at the bigger picture and only focuses on the "good" they're doing. The Mama's money will go to the corporate. Seems fair enough but there's a book well worth reading called 23 Things They Don;t Tell You About Capitalism and one of the things is the decision making within corporates.

The corporations profits are reinvested or given to shareholders, seems fair because they each own a share of the company but if we look at who your typical shareholder is it's quickly apparent how inequality is being deepened on a daily level and how we contribute to it every time we make a purchase and especially when we get jobs making corporations more efficient and making profits. Shareholders are people with money. The Mama's money is not going back into her community to improve her life, the life of her family and friends, it is going to middle and upper-class shareholders who sit very far away and use that money to improve their lives. What did the shareholders do for their lives to deserve being bettered over that of the Mama's? Basically they had more money first - legacies of colonialism, years of racism, slave-trade, it all fits in.

So when you get offered a job at one of the year's best employees it's best to check the criteria of best-ness. Best for me because I am trained to narrowly perceive my life in terms of how much money I make to buy nice cars, homes and clothes, go on nice holidays and impress potential in-laws; best for the Mama who I will work hard to more efficiently take as much money from her as possible (nicely termed as up-selling or increasing the basket size of her purchase); best for the corporates who get the best of university students to work for them to improve how much profit they can take from the poor and give to the rich; best for my soul to be accountable before God of all my life's actions?

Ritualize x Spiritualize.

 Haven't blogged in a while! But I have a new laptop and it seems so fresh and so clean that I'm finally inspired!

 So it's the end of Ramadaan for us Muslims - the month in which we fast from sunrise to sunset as a way to strengthen our faith, submit to God and get closer to God. Essentially. It's a time I sincerely enjoy because of the calm, peace, focus and spiritual awareness it brings to my life. Honestly though, it can also be a difficult time for some because of the intense change of lifestyle and the refocusing of priorities it requires. It's also easy for the average young person to become bogged down and even overwhelmed or frustrated by certain types ascribing all sorts of cultural expectations and rights and wrongs to the lives of other Muslims, irrespective of their intents. Sometimes, it also encroaches on my self-identity, mostly because I try to be better than I usually am which can be a struggle. But over the years, I've learned something so super important about this month -  it really is a beautiful and specific time to do your own best to be a better Muslim and a better person,  to enhance your own sense of spirituality and strengthen your own faith.

In the midst of this, we're all trying to be better by fulfilling the ritualistic aspects that our religions requires from us... things like keeping our fasts and looking after our prayers, reading the Quraan more and even other ways of respecting this month of mercy and forgiveness. This in and of itself has many benefits and advantages in the journey to becoming a better Muslim and the worth of establishing these rituals goes without saying. If I must say, I'd say that doing these things - that we sometimes neglect, gives us the feeling of being more connected to God, reminds us and makes us more of aware of what is required from us in our religion and helps us become better at being Muslims. I call these practises 'rituals' but that doesn't take away from the spiritual nature of them.

Speaking about spirituality, I've been thinking that it's all good and well to focus on being better Muslims and people through these rituals, but I think it's just as important to have spiritual, human goals to focus on throughout this month as a fast and easy way to try and heal and change things that are our issues as human beings.

What I mean by this is that we should try and deal with any internal turmoil/secret wars that we have within ourselves. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, I think maybe you need to live more or your life is perfect and I hate you a little ).  I'm saying put a spotlight on the internal sources of pain, problems, hurt, baggage that you carry. Stare it in the face. A very cool Lady and hero of mine once said, "Marry the darkness, marry what is difficult about your life, bear your struggles close to your heart and  have it be something you are proud of as opposed to something that you are ashamed of". And this is what I mean here too. And this is what I've been trying to do.

 This, coupled with the spiritual growth we experience through the rituals of this month, can only mean good things. If not during this month, then when can we focus on our ghosts...At some point, we have to let go of old issues, because they're old and we're getting old and there are new issues waiting to come into our lives, by nature of our progression, and they deserve a chance to make us suffer too.

 Here are some things I've been working on to overcome in my own life through focus, reflection, writing discussion and prayer during this month:

1) Forgiving the Lady Gaga email writer

I am a Lady Gaga fan - I love the woman passionately and not just on a superficial level, but on a much deeper level of understanding, supporting and appreciating what she actually stands for. I've never been ashamed of this or any other inspirations/loves I have and I probably never will be. So last year, when my journo friend asked me to be interviewed for an article in the Saturday Star as one of Lady Gaga's biggest fans, I was down! Especially since I'd just finished my Master's degree in the meanings of femininity, gender and sexuality created in Lady Gaga's music and videos and thought I could maybe use the article to promote my research. And it was a thrill to be in the newspaper, I wont lie. It was a super fun experience for me. I didn't expect people to make such a big deal about it  especially since it was aesthetically fabricated - I borrowed CDs and posters and all sorts of Lady Gaga stuff from teenagers I know trying to seen like a fanatic fan. I prefer to think of myself as an intellectual fan and be fancy.

Anyway, after that was published, some Muslim person,  from the safety and anonymity of a computer screen, decided to pen and spread an email to the Muslim community to the gist of "Look at this Muslim girl who likes Lady Gaga in the newspaper - Haraam!,  We must protect our girls! Imagine if this was your daughter! Oh the shame!" along with random Quranic verses and Hadith to justify point in a very disjointed way and self-serving way. For a long while, even up till very recently, this really affected me.

I was never embarrassed or ashamed about this ever - I was more angry and frustrated that someone out there in their self-righteousness felt it appropriate to make judgement calls on a percentage of my identity and the on top of that shape the whole shabang to make me an example of a bad kid and even worse, a bad Muslim. I do think others don't like and others do things I don't like but luckily for all of us we are not God. I finally think I'm over this now because I've come to realise that whoever that person is, he is a judgemental freak who wasn't right about the way he perceived and painted me then and is still not right now. So sorry for him. In addition, I am nobody's example of anything. I am just a person living my own life, deciding who to be,  on my own journey - as we all are. Guys, leave people to live their own lives and focus on bettering yourself. Judging others just exposes your fear-based perceptions, self-righteousness and short sightedness. Don't do it. As a modern and aware generation I really think that we have to try and evolve beyond judging others to make ourselves feel better. We should be an ambitious generation, pushing new ideas, creating dopeness.  Anyway,  I finally forgive you,  anonymous-Lady-Gaga-email-writer and I hope you don't do that again to anyone. Unless you're gonna be speaking about yourself, which should be your primary concern - not me or anyone else.           

 

2) Dreams coming in their own time

I've found yet another passion in life  and that's teaching English. It just came to me, I developed a talent for it and I love it. I've also had this strong desire for over the last two years to just get out in to the world, adventure, travel and just be. It's been a legit goal I've had and still have.

So, last year I really went for it and put myself through the strenuous and lengthy process of  applying for a teaching position with an agent. Now here's the weird part - most people who attempt this get a job quick and easy. I've seen it happen to so many people I know. So, I was expecting the same to happen to me. But ooh no, not meee. Through so many applications and interviews, I still couldn't get a job! A little disheartened, I gave myself a break from applying for a few months and decided to start again towards the end of the year. Then something weird happened again. I somehow managed an interview at DSTV -the company that I always planned on working for one day. Not only that, but after a process of interviews I eventually got the freaking job. Not an internship, but a proper job in broadcast media. The long term dream! I was like whaaaatishappeninglife!

I won't lie, the day I got the call to say I got the job, I sobbed and sobbed, obviously not the natural reaction, just because I was so sad to put travel plans on hold again and now pretend to be an adult - not what I wanted. I was just like why why why am I not getting what I wanted and why are my efforts always being met with disappointment.  I ended up taking the job because it was an opportunity I didn't think I should miss and so far it's been really great and I'm thankful to have it. I really do believe that everything happened for a reason and what's meant for you will come to you in its perfect and divine time. And this is what I have learnt and accepted -you can't force what you want to happen when you want it to happen but sometimes you just have to submit to the will and plan of God who knows your heart and knows what's best for you. Travelling is not what's in my plan right now and that's cool. And that's the peace I've made, although, still believing and aiming to travel in the near future. Don't know how or where or when, but I know a way will be made for this and all my dreams.

A fellow teacher at WITS told me the other day that he overheard me speaking to someone about my plans and motivation to travel and teach and because of that he decided he it was something he also wanted to do. So he applied and he is off to China in a few weeks. Cause of me and my big mouth. Which ended up being a good thing for someone else so that's good.

3) Appreciating my people

My twin sister has decided to leave me all alone with my crazy parents and go ahead and get her self married. I'm so happy for her and for her dreams becoming a reality and for the awesome step she's about to take in life. She gets married in October and as the time nears, I'm all of a sudden getting very sentimental and stuff, thinking this is the last Ramadaan/Eid she's going to spend with us even to the point of  ohmygosh this is the last 1st of August she'll be staying with us ever. It's silly and dramatic but I'm really going to miss her. She's been my best friend all these years and I've only realised it now.  I find myself being very overly compassionate, considerate open and good to her, knowing that she's moving out. My way of compensating for the fact that she'll be gone soon I guess.

And I realised that this is the way I should be living and treating everyone I love on a day to day basis, just because I love them and not for any specific reason. In drawing parallels with marriage and leaving, the thought of death comes up (maybe just in this context, maybe not haha) because I realise that people I love can leave temporarily and even worse, permanently. Its so important to appreciate each other, especially your family, because life is short and ever-changing. I realised in this month because of my sentimentality with my sister,  that I need to be treating my family like gold, and not only in certain circumstances, but every single day. I need to love them openly, be compassionate and forgiving, share myself authentically, do anything to be of service to them and appreciate them for who they are right now and not who I think they should be. I want to do all this irrespective of how different we are, of how we sometimes don't understand each other, of how I hold things against them and of how their limitations in life affect my free spirit. Irrespective of my perceptions, I am going to appreciate my loved ones everyday. I know that they treasure me and love me unconditionally and I know that they will do anything for me - because I see it everyday but mostly don't realise its real worth and meaning because I am too busy getting in my own way. I am blessed to have them and they deserve to know it.

 

 

 

 So those are my stories. These are things that month of Ramadaan has shown me and I am glad to be changing and progressing. I don't know where all that honesty came from but I thank you for being the ear to my inside voice.

How was your Ramadaan/life this month? Did you put any of your ghosts to bed? Holla back at me in the comments section so I don't seem like a weirdo.

Hope Ramadaan has been amazing for all the Muslims reading this. May all your prayers be answered and hope you all have a wonderful Eid :)

Nx