In defense of us poor, unmarried, pitiful, souls...

 NOT!

“So when are you getting married???”…

  

Me:

Asking someone when they’re getting married, is as efficient as asking a cancer patient when he/she will be cured, or a couple struggling to conceive, when they’re going to have a baby. Or an old person, when they’re going to die. It just becomes rude. Just chill on this question! I would really like us a progressive people to start becoming aware of this. And I’m sure I’m not the only one (CAN I GET AN AMEN). It’s also actually quite a disappointing question! I have other things on my mind and in my heart too that are all simultaneously processing, engaging, informing and all happening right now (while you ask me that dumb-ass question) – other than the pursuit of a man. And not allowing me to express that because of a limited conversation repertoire of your expectancy of my life, is super disappointing. ATTENTION: There is more to being a young, female, human being!

I think people are very much unaware of how a question like that can make someone feel. You could have just come out of a terrible break-up, or just met someone that you feel hopeful about, or you may have just been disappointed by someone, or you may even be a freaking lesbian. I mean this is the journey of life – shit is real out here. By asking when a person is getting married, not only shows a very limited consideration for where the person is in life, how they really feel or what they are going through, but it can also be downright hurtful.I feel that some people just purposefully ask to be demeaning. As if you have lost at something. As if you are walking around with a big, gaping whole in your chest. Now, I definitely understand that some people ask out of love and concern, but I can only speak from my experience and as someone who gets asked this question A LOT, it mostly doesn't feel very loving. It makes me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. And obviously is not encompassing or understanding of me as an individual at all.

The thing that really gets to me though, is this idea that being past the age of 23ish, automatically means it’s time to get married. Since when are we cattle who all need to be led into the same barn? To me, being your own person on your own individual journey is such a fundamental and elementary truth of life that it really baffles me when people overlook it so easily. Sure, maybe this notion of being an “individual” who is “different”,  “unique” and “ free” may come from this modern, new age we live in, and definitely has its positive and negative attributes, but it is still my truth and my reality. And it’s important in defining me, as I'm sure it is to many people.

        

So, why am I not married?                                                                                                                                  

1)  I do not feel incomplete:

    Well, firstly and obviously I have not met my spiritual, rock star, super cool dude yet. Or whoever he may be! I’m open!  (But please let him be handsome, Universe! Not kidding.)

But, I’m sorry, this does not mean I am incomplete in any way. Nor are you. I firmly believe in creating yourself, that how you feel, what you believe and what your life is made of is completely in your own hands – you are in control of it. Thus, you can feel inadequate about not fitting into societal and cultural norms, or you can celebrate and appreciate being where you are in life. You can see abundance or you can see what’s lacking. You can feel alone or you can feel how loved you are.  Make yourself! (Incubus: Make Yourself: October 1999).

2) I am dreaming my own dreams:

Secondly, to add to the answer of my favorite question everrrr (sarcasm!), I would also need to explain that my personal belief system and hierarchy of goals are not typical. In saying that, marriage is not something I aspire to - it’s not on my list of dreams I want to make come true nor is it a goal I have set for myself to accomplish. I don’t think in that way. The way I think, is that I will get married based on the PERSON I want to marry and not on anything else. I don’t buy into this princess fairytale, where the prince saves the damsel in distress, because I've saved myself before and I know I will do it again and again. 

I was very perturbed when someone literally said to me, that, when I am married, I will be the happiest I have ever been. Now, of course I hope this is true and I am happy for those who experience this, but I also hope reaching my own, different goals and making my own, personal dreams come true (that have nothing to do with marriage) will also make me the happiest I've ever been. It has a pretty good track record so far, and something tells me that it probably always will.

3) I do not need to be fulfilled by another (right now or maybe ever):

Thirdly, guys, the real truth and the real gravity of this is that if you can’t be happy by yourself, don’t expect someone else to fulfill that need. There is such value in being alone!!!! It is so important! I really want to shout it out to all young women, from the moon!!! And I say this because I know its value!!! I have not experienced a greater gift than the independence and power I have given to myself, by getting to know myself, being honest with myself, deciding for myself, defining myself, thinking for myself, rescuing myself, believing in myself. All the while, with people telling me how I should be. I say F that. You will always grow in life no doubt, but being alone and “consciously uncoupled” (I think it’s a real thing!) - I don’t know if you will ever get such a potent opportunity or circumstance within which to discover yourself and your strength – a wisdom and gift that no one can give you and no one can take away from you.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything in life. I mean no disrespect at all to those who are married or those who aspire to be married. RESPECT! I know that shit’s not easy, I know you’re on your hustle and I know many of you are not only succeeding, but thriving at it. I don't know what it’s like to be married - I can only speak from my own lessons and experiences thus far. At the center of it all, we must realize that we are all on our own journeys and paths. And that is why I speak to those who are in the same place as me – believing in love, patient, open, not feeling the pressure, but also annoyed at the expectations that OTHERS have for YOUR life. Being married shouldn't be the happiest you've ever been when life and all its wonders are in front of you right now!  There’s so many more levels to this, so many more heights of progress, development, growth, change and positivity to reach. Buddhist monk swag. Screw this “He completes me” nonsense, for real – I am not about that life. Complete your damn self, please!

To conclude this semi-rant/semi-self help/semi-single guru vibe, not all of us women dream of a castle to dwell in and a Prince Charming to save us. Some of us are designed to be law breakers, travelers, culture definers, rebels, visionaries - whatever we want to be. This is not about the rejection of being loved – it’s about the rejection of institutionalized, controlled ideas of these beautiful things and the implementation of it in our lives.  It’s a testimony to an ambition that may never be small enough for some, but will never be big enough for me. I hope to get married based on the amazing human that I will get to spend life with but before that, during and after that person, the hopes and dreams I have for myself still are still alive and still compel me to chase them.

I read somewhere that the difference between fate and destiny is this: fate is life defined by conditions and fear, and destiny is a calling and is something you create. I hope that you and I have the courage to live by destiny…that we will find love, share love, be love and get married for reasons we choose and at a time we choose. Especially because life is still going to go on whether we are married or not.

I’m a 26 year old, unmarried female who loves and is grateful for her life. Can you handle that? Single, married or divorced - you're the boss of you so just be happy and free and live your life honestly, OK? Deal? You are still a force on your own!!!

Peace and love,

Nx

Also, this made me LOL:

On Love and Reason

A Journey of Understanding Love

I began thinking about love years ago when I heard the term come up in talks at mosques. Love is something we normally start thinking about thanks to television and movies, or maybe within families but my first serious engagement around it was through a spiritual lens. I would often hear that having love for your Creator and love for the Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) were amongst the highest aims for a Muslim to strive towards. In this way love is a spiritual exercise.

I found it strange however that both love and spirituality are two concepts that rarely received the discussion space needed for me to come to understand them. Both terms relate to a fundamentally subjective experience. The subjectivity tends to take it away from the limited realm of topics that are discussed. We'll talk easily about those quantifiable and measurable sciences like physics, physiology and the like because they are in the shared objective world around us. Less easily we speak about common abstract topics like politics and economics. However, only with great hesitance do we engage in subjective experiences that are perhaps the most meaningful and universal, like love and spirituality. 

The first problem is that there is an insufficient vocabulary to speak about these topics. Because they are so closely tied to our emotions we often conclude that they cannot be, or aren't meant to be understood and instead they are to just be accepted. This is not to say that they are not expressed at all, in fact the expression of love and spirituality is most sought after, but the expression tends to take the form of poetry and not prose. Through poetry a glimpse of what is felt can be expressed although I find most poetry to be largely insufficient in giving me an understanding of the concepts. I think in prose, I need prose.

The vagueness of understanding love has consequences. Expressions like "they love you they just have trouble showing it" are common and reflect the differences in what one expresses and the other perceives. I believe a common language or framework of understanding love is essential to allow the emotion to be translated to the rational. Even if the framework of understanding exists only within your mind. It may still be inconclusive and never "truly" capture what is felt; but certain people are rationalists and they need rational explanations of concepts to develop a framework of understanding.

What is this "Love"?
Instances in which love arises: from the personal "love yourself" to "love thy neighbour"; a parent's love for their child and the reciprocal; the most spoken about love between partners; and spiritual love. Each of these is different, we have an intuitive grasp of this but are we able to go beyond the intuition and describe these differences? More importantly, is a description of these differences useful in terms of negotiating and managing that specific relationship? 

Preceding a reflection on the conditions of love what may be useful is a general understanding of relationships. Relationships will always take place between two individuals, that seems to be obvious enough, except of course unless we're talking about a relationship with your self...which I will argue is the necessary starting point but that needs to be put on hold for now.

How to relationship:

1. Know who you are.

2. Know what you need from another human.

3. Find another human.

4. Try your absolute best to know the other human.

5. Decide if that human can give you what you need and what you can provide in return.

6. Establish rituals with the other human that define your relationship and allow needs to be fulfilled.

7. Recognize that humans change. (This is very important)

8. When you or the other human change decide how the change affects the relationship.  

NB: 

on points 1 and 4, knowing yourself and knowing another human is not easy. 

To know requires: 

a) care

b) to seek knowledge

on point 7, humans change all the time...it is important to constantly engage in conversations that allow you to gauge the nature and extent of the changes in order to adjust your expectations from the relationship accordingly.

Consider how the above applies to the relationship we have with ourselves, our parents, our Creator.

Care
Love requires care. It seems easier to describe why we care for someone rather than why we love them because in many ways care has a foundation in reason. We care for some human beings based on what they provide for us but this is based on our construction of a particular worldview, a specific creation of meaning. To say that we care for the company of person A over person B is to say that we find stimulation more appealing from one rather than another based on our definitions of what is valuable, what is meaningful, what is stimulating - a reasoned claim despite its roots in our various unique life experiences. The perception of care thus differs from the carer to the one being cared for.

Because there's a human need to socially interact. There's societal norm that dictates actions that can be misread as caring. I need to know why someone cares. How they show they care to ensure I'm not misreading etiquette or being a polite human for care. 

Understanding/knowing as a prerequisite for love: 
Some parents that claim to love their kids without knowing them, without having the type of conversations with them necessary for them to get to know their children and this is problematic, it leaves scars. Likewise many ritualistic actions are performed "for God" but without knowledge of God are these acts really meaningful for Him or is it like the child who gets all his material needs fulfilled without any emotional needs recognized?

Can we know another person? Can we know ourselves? We are dynamic so understanding requires constant dialogue aimed at knowing the other and the self. It might be best to understand knowing another person and knowing yourself as a metaphorical "peeling off of layers". Unfortunately none of us can see all of ourselves at any one time and simultaneously need to see all of yourself to truly know yourself. Furthermore, in any relationship the other will only be able to see a part of you at any one time and that instantaneous snapshot of you can only be an aspect of who you are, one that may be perceived differently by you and by the other. "Peeling off layers" is a mindset of acknowledging that I will never fully know another. That there will always be something more to know which has the advantage of making the other a fascinating subject of enquiry that never ceases to provide more beauty, grace, complexity but the disadvantage is that you have to accept that you will never, ever truly know another. Whatever idea we have of another could change at any moment as another layer is peeled away and complexities of character are revealed.

Change:

What happens when change happens within a person and when change happens in our perception of a person? Do we forsake the relationship or rather just adjust its nature? There must be a criteria for this based on a knowledge of why you are in the relationship, what are the essential elements of the person are beyond which the amount of change means they're no longer the person we entered into the relationship with.

Concluding thoughts:
This post is probably not the coherent and articulate piece it was intended to be. It was the result of many hours of grappling with these ideas, processes of internalization and difficult conversations. I hope there were some useful phrases and ideas that are helpful in developing these complex ideas within your mind.

I had written these lines without knowing exactly where to fit them in so thought I might as well drop them in at the end and you can decide.

- If you love it is your duty to understand, to listen, to care. If you don't do these things it reflects an element of laziness. If you don't do these things and still claim to love you're a liar. 

- To love is active, requires activity and thought and to assume otherwise causes pain.