“So when are you getting
married???”…
Me:
Asking someone when they’re
getting married, is as efficient as asking a cancer patient when he/she will be
cured, or a couple struggling to conceive, when they’re going to have a
baby. Or an old person, when they’re going to die. It just becomes rude. Just chill on this question! I would really like us a progressive people to start becoming aware of this. And
I’m sure I’m not the only one (CAN I GET AN AMEN). It’s also actually quite a disappointing
question! I have other things on my mind and in my heart too that are all simultaneously processing, engaging, informing and all happening right now (while you ask
me that dumb-ass question) – other than the pursuit of a man. And not allowing
me to express that because of a limited conversation repertoire of your
expectancy of my life, is super disappointing. ATTENTION: There is more to being a
young, female, human being!
I think people are
very much unaware of how a question like that can make someone feel. You could
have just come out of a terrible break-up, or just met someone that you feel
hopeful about, or you may have just been disappointed by someone, or you may
even be a freaking lesbian. I mean this is the journey of life – shit is real
out here. By asking when a person is getting married, not only shows a very
limited consideration for where the person is in life, how they really feel or
what they are going through, but it can also be downright hurtful.I feel that some people just
purposefully ask to be demeaning. As if you have lost at
something. As if you are walking around with a big, gaping whole in your chest.
Now, I definitely understand that some people ask out of love and concern, but
I can only speak from my experience and as someone who gets asked this question
A LOT, it mostly doesn't feel very loving. It makes me feel like I should be ashamed of myself.
And obviously is not encompassing or understanding of me as an individual at
all.
The thing that really
gets to me though, is this idea that being past the age of 23ish, automatically
means it’s time to get married. Since when are we cattle who all need to be
led into the same barn? To me, being your own person on your own individual
journey is such a fundamental and elementary truth of life that it really
baffles me when people overlook it so easily. Sure, maybe this notion of being
an “individual” who is “different”, “unique” and “ free” may come
from this modern, new age we live in, and definitely has its positive and
negative attributes, but it is still my truth and my reality. And it’s
important in defining me, as I'm sure it is to many people.
So, why am I not married?
1) I do not feel incomplete:
Well, firstly and obviously
I have not met my spiritual, rock star, super cool dude yet. Or whoever he may
be! I’m open! (But please let him be handsome, Universe! Not
kidding.)
But, I’m sorry, this does
not mean I am incomplete in any way. Nor are you. I firmly believe in creating
yourself, that how you feel, what you believe and what your life is made of is
completely in your own hands – you are in control of it. Thus, you can feel
inadequate about not fitting into societal and cultural norms, or you can
celebrate and appreciate being where you are in life. You can see abundance or
you can see what’s lacking. You can feel alone or you can feel how loved you
are. Make yourself! (Incubus: Make Yourself: October 1999).
2) I am dreaming my own dreams:
Secondly, to add to the
answer of my favorite question everrrr (sarcasm!), I would also need to explain
that my personal belief system and hierarchy of goals are not typical. In
saying that, marriage is not something I aspire to - it’s not on my list of
dreams I want to make come true nor is it a goal I have set for myself to
accomplish. I don’t think in that way. The way I think, is that I will get
married based on the PERSON I want to marry and not on anything else. I don’t
buy into this princess fairytale, where the prince saves the damsel in distress,
because I've saved myself before and I know I will do it again and again.
I was
very perturbed when someone literally said to me, that, when I am
married, I will be the happiest I have ever been. Now, of course I hope this is
true and I am happy for those who experience this, but I also hope reaching my
own, different goals and making my own, personal dreams come true (that have
nothing to do with marriage) will also make me the happiest I've ever been. It has a pretty good track record so far, and something
tells me that it probably always will.
3) I do not need to be fulfilled by another (right now or maybe ever):
Thirdly, guys, the real
truth and the real gravity of this is that if you can’t be happy by yourself,
don’t expect someone else to fulfill that need. There is such value in being
alone!!!! It is so important! I really want to shout it out to all young women, from the moon!!! And I say this because I know its value!!! I have not
experienced a greater gift than the independence and power I have given to
myself, by getting to know myself, being honest with myself, deciding for
myself, defining myself, thinking for myself, rescuing myself, believing in
myself. All the while, with people telling me how I should be. I say F that.
You will always grow in life no doubt, but being alone and “consciously
uncoupled” (I think it’s a real thing!) - I don’t know if you will ever get
such a potent opportunity or circumstance within which to discover yourself and
your strength – a wisdom and gift that no one can give you and no one can take
away from you.
Of course, there is a time
and place for everything in life. I mean no disrespect at all to those who are
married or those who aspire to be married. RESPECT! I know that shit’s not
easy, I know you’re on your hustle and I know many of you are not only succeeding,
but thriving at it. I don't know what it’s like to be married - I can only
speak from my own lessons and experiences thus far. At the center of it all, we
must realize that we are all on our own journeys and paths. And that is why I
speak to those who are in the same place as me – believing in love, patient, open, not feeling the pressure, but also annoyed at the expectations that OTHERS have for YOUR life.
Being married shouldn't be the happiest you've ever been when life and all its
wonders are in front of you right now! There’s so many more levels to this, so many more heights of progress, development, growth, change and positivity to reach. Buddhist monk swag. Screw this “He completes me” nonsense, for real – I am not about that life. Complete your damn self, please!
To conclude this
semi-rant/semi-self help/semi-single guru vibe, not all of us women dream of
a castle to dwell in and a Prince Charming to save us. Some of us are designed
to be law breakers, travelers, culture definers, rebels, visionaries - whatever
we want to be. This is not about the rejection of being loved – it’s about the rejection of institutionalized, controlled ideas of these
beautiful things and the implementation of it in our lives. It’s a testimony to an ambition that may never be
small enough for some, but will never be big enough for me. I hope to get
married based on the amazing human that I will get to spend life with but before that,
during and after that person, the hopes and dreams I have for myself still are still alive and still compel me to chase them.
I read somewhere that the
difference between fate and destiny is this: fate is life defined by conditions
and fear, and destiny is a calling and is something you create. I hope that you
and I have the courage to live by destiny…that we will find love, share love, be love
and get married for reasons we choose and at a time we choose. Especially
because life is still going to go on whether we are married or not.
I’m a 26 year old,
unmarried female who loves and is grateful for her life. Can you handle that? Single,
married or divorced - you're the boss of you so just be happy and free and live
your life honestly, OK? Deal? You are still a force on your own!!!
Peace and love,
Nx
Also, this made me LOL:
