Haven't blogged in a while! But I have a new laptop and it seems so fresh and so clean that I'm finally inspired!
So it's the end of Ramadaan for us Muslims - the month in which we fast from sunrise to sunset as a way to strengthen our faith, submit to God and get closer to God. Essentially. It's a time I sincerely enjoy because of the calm, peace, focus and spiritual awareness it brings to my life. Honestly though, it can also be a difficult time for some because of the intense change of lifestyle and the refocusing of priorities it requires. It's also easy for the average young person to become bogged down and even overwhelmed or frustrated by certain types ascribing all sorts of cultural expectations and rights and wrongs to the lives of other Muslims, irrespective of their intents. Sometimes, it also encroaches on my self-identity, mostly because I try to be better than I usually am which can be a struggle. But over the years, I've learned something so super important about this month - it really is a beautiful and specific time to do your own best to be a better Muslim and a better person, to enhance your own sense of spirituality and strengthen your own faith.
In the midst of this, we're all trying to be better by fulfilling the ritualistic aspects that our religions requires from us... things like keeping our fasts and looking after our prayers, reading the Quraan more and even other ways of respecting this month of mercy and forgiveness. This in and of itself has many benefits and advantages in the journey to becoming a better Muslim and the worth of establishing these rituals goes without saying. If I must say, I'd say that doing these things - that we sometimes neglect, gives us the feeling of being more connected to God, reminds us and makes us more of aware of what is required from us in our religion and helps us become better at being Muslims. I call these practises 'rituals' but that doesn't take away from the spiritual nature of them.
Speaking about spirituality, I've been thinking that it's all good and well to focus on being better Muslims and people through these rituals, but I think it's just as important to have spiritual, human goals to focus on throughout this month as a fast and easy way to try and heal and change things that are our issues as human beings.
What I mean by this is that we should try and deal with any internal turmoil/secret wars that we have within ourselves. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, I think maybe you need to live more or your life is perfect and I hate you a little ). I'm saying put a spotlight on the internal sources of pain, problems, hurt, baggage that you carry. Stare it in the face. A very cool Lady and hero of mine once said, "Marry the darkness, marry what is difficult about your life, bear your struggles close to your heart and have it be something you are proud of as opposed to something that you are ashamed of". And this is what I mean here too. And this is what I've been trying to do.
This, coupled with the spiritual growth we experience through the rituals of this month, can only mean good things. If not during this month, then when can we focus on our ghosts...At some point, we have to let go of old issues, because they're old and we're getting old and there are new issues waiting to come into our lives, by nature of our progression, and they deserve a chance to make us suffer too.
Here are some things I've been working on to overcome in my own life through focus, reflection, writing discussion and prayer during this month:
1) Forgiving the Lady Gaga email writer
I am a Lady Gaga fan - I love the woman passionately and not just on a superficial level, but on a much deeper level of understanding, supporting and appreciating what she actually stands for. I've never been ashamed of this or any other inspirations/loves I have and I probably never will be. So last year, when my journo friend asked me to be interviewed for an article in the Saturday Star as one of Lady Gaga's biggest fans, I was down! Especially since I'd just finished my Master's degree in the meanings of femininity, gender and sexuality created in Lady Gaga's music and videos and thought I could maybe use the article to promote my research. And it was a thrill to be in the newspaper, I wont lie. It was a super fun experience for me. I didn't expect people to make such a big deal about it especially since it was aesthetically fabricated - I borrowed CDs and posters and all sorts of Lady Gaga stuff from teenagers I know trying to seen like a fanatic fan. I prefer to think of myself as an intellectual fan and be fancy.
Anyway, after that was published, some Muslim person, from the safety and anonymity of a computer screen, decided to pen and spread an email to the Muslim community to the gist of "Look at this Muslim girl who likes Lady Gaga in the newspaper - Haraam!, We must protect our girls! Imagine if this was your daughter! Oh the shame!" along with random Quranic verses and Hadith to justify point in a very disjointed way and self-serving way. For a long while, even up till very recently, this really affected me.
I was never embarrassed or ashamed about this ever - I was more angry and frustrated that someone out there in their self-righteousness felt it appropriate to make judgement calls on a percentage of my identity and the on top of that shape the whole shabang to make me an example of a bad kid and even worse, a bad Muslim. I do think others don't like and others do things I don't like but luckily for all of us we are not God. I finally think I'm over this now because I've come to realise that whoever that person is, he is a judgemental freak who wasn't right about the way he perceived and painted me then and is still not right now. So sorry for him. In addition, I am nobody's example of anything. I am just a person living my own life, deciding who to be, on my own journey - as we all are. Guys, leave people to live their own lives and focus on bettering yourself. Judging others just exposes your fear-based perceptions, self-righteousness and short sightedness. Don't do it. As a modern and aware generation I really think that we have to try and evolve beyond judging others to make ourselves feel better. We should be an ambitious generation, pushing new ideas, creating dopeness. Anyway, I finally forgive you, anonymous-Lady-Gaga-email-writer and I hope you don't do that again to anyone. Unless you're gonna be speaking about yourself, which should be your primary concern - not me or anyone else.
I've found yet another passion in life and that's teaching English. It just came to me, I developed a talent for it and I love it. I've also had this strong desire for over the last two years to just get out in to the world, adventure, travel and just be. It's been a legit goal I've had and still have.
So, last year I really went for it and put myself through the strenuous and lengthy process of applying for a teaching position with an agent. Now here's the weird part - most people who attempt this get a job quick and easy. I've seen it happen to so many people I know. So, I was expecting the same to happen to me. But ooh no, not meee. Through so many applications and interviews, I still couldn't get a job! A little disheartened, I gave myself a break from applying for a few months and decided to start again towards the end of the year. Then something weird happened again. I somehow managed an interview at DSTV -the company that I always planned on working for one day. Not only that, but after a process of interviews I eventually got the freaking job. Not an internship, but a proper job in broadcast media. The long term dream! I was like whaaaatishappeninglife!
I won't lie, the day I got the call to say I got the job, I sobbed and sobbed, obviously not the natural reaction, just because I was so sad to put travel plans on hold again and now pretend to be an adult - not what I wanted. I was just like why why why am I not getting what I wanted and why are my efforts always being met with disappointment. I ended up taking the job because it was an opportunity I didn't think I should miss and so far it's been really great and I'm thankful to have it. I really do believe that everything happened for a reason and what's meant for you will come to you in its perfect and divine time. And this is what I have learnt and accepted -you can't force what you want to happen when you want it to happen but sometimes you just have to submit to the will and plan of God who knows your heart and knows what's best for you. Travelling is not what's in my plan right now and that's cool. And that's the peace I've made, although, still believing and aiming to travel in the near future. Don't know how or where or when, but I know a way will be made for this and all my dreams.
A fellow teacher at WITS told me the other day that he overheard me speaking to someone about my plans and motivation to travel and teach and because of that he decided he it was something he also wanted to do. So he applied and he is off to China in a few weeks. Cause of me and my big mouth. Which ended up being a good thing for someone else so that's good.
3) Appreciating my people
My twin sister has decided to leave me all alone with my crazy parents and go ahead and get her self married. I'm so happy for her and for her dreams becoming a reality and for the awesome step she's about to take in life. She gets married in October and as the time nears, I'm all of a sudden getting very sentimental and stuff, thinking this is the last Ramadaan/Eid she's going to spend with us even to the point of ohmygosh this is the last 1st of August she'll be staying with us ever. It's silly and dramatic but I'm really going to miss her. She's been my best friend all these years and I've only realised it now. I find myself being very overly compassionate, considerate open and good to her, knowing that she's moving out. My way of compensating for the fact that she'll be gone soon I guess.
And I realised that this is the way I should be living and treating everyone I love on a day to day basis, just because I love them and not for any specific reason. In drawing parallels with marriage and leaving, the thought of death comes up (maybe just in this context, maybe not haha) because I realise that people I love can leave temporarily and even worse, permanently. Its so important to appreciate each other, especially your family, because life is short and ever-changing. I realised in this month because of my sentimentality with my sister, that I need to be treating my family like gold, and not only in certain circumstances, but every single day. I need to love them openly, be compassionate and forgiving, share myself authentically, do anything to be of service to them and appreciate them for who they are right now and not who I think they should be. I want to do all this irrespective of how different we are, of how we sometimes don't understand each other, of how I hold things against them and of how their limitations in life affect my free spirit. Irrespective of my perceptions, I am going to appreciate my loved ones everyday. I know that they treasure me and love me unconditionally and I know that they will do anything for me - because I see it everyday but mostly don't realise its real worth and meaning because I am too busy getting in my own way. I am blessed to have them and they deserve to know it.
So those are my stories. These are things that month of Ramadaan has shown me and I am glad to be changing and progressing. I don't know where all that honesty came from but I thank you for being the ear to my inside voice.
How was your Ramadaan/life this month? Did you put any of your ghosts to bed? Holla back at me in the comments section so I don't seem like a weirdo.
Hope Ramadaan has been amazing for all the Muslims reading this. May all your prayers be answered and hope you all have a wonderful Eid :)
Nx